It wasn’t too long ago that American cultural expectations were rigid and unyielding: you must get married and have children. Society’s stance was firm, and anyone who bucked it was defined as wrong and dysfunctional.
Single women over the age of 30 were cast as “spinsters,” wretched old crones who suffered from some fundamental disorder. Single men were allowed a little more leeway, their bachelorhood partially celebrated by the patriarchy. But even they were often understood to be “queer” in the older meaning of the word.
As to the modern meaning of the word, homosexuality and lesbianism so defied the cultural norm of procreation that they were all but banned from society. State and local laws across the country illegalized many queer sexual practices, and more informal social rules led to extreme violence, particularly against homosexuals. Repression was so severe that virtually all of the queer world was forced underground.
The norm of heterosexual marriage and child rearing was strong enough that even married couples without children were generally the focus of demeaning pity. It was as if they’d bought a shiny new car but couldn’t drive well enough to earn their licenses. Often perceived as broken and unfulfilled, they were expected to adopt, a topic that was generally discussed in hushed tones.
And let’s not even get started on the racial component to all this. Anti-miscegenation laws in many states made it illegal for interracial couples to marry.
Fortunately, American society has curbed many restrictions and prejudices over the last half-century. Courts and culture and have expanded the concept of freedom in many ways, including the freedom to love and express that love.
Interracial marriages received constitutional protection from the U.S. Supreme Court in the aptly named 1967 case Loving v. Virginia. Gay and lesbian marriages are now recognized in a dozen states and counting. And nowadays, childless couples even occasionally seem something to be envied, not pitied.
But for all the progress we’ve made and doors we’ve opened, marriage is still tied to many deeply held cultural norms, some of them utter bullshit. And “failing” to marry still carries cultural baggage.
As Americans, we tend to define freedom as something that’s political in nature. We’re citizens, free to say what we want and vote for whomever we like.
But freedom isn’t just about politics. It’s also about culture. Defying political repression is important, but so is the defiance of cultural repression.
If you and another person love each other and want to get married, get married. If you like big parties and want to share it with everyone you know, have a big wedding. And if you really want to have kids, then have kids. That’s all beautiful.
But if you don’t, then don’t.
Sidestep those pressures. Buck those cultural norms. Be free not only to love, but also to express that love in ways that are true to you. Get married or don’t. Have children or don’t. And live a meaningful life as you understand it.