The Holy Trinity

Lightning pierced the sky, thunder roared above the skyscrapers, and the Gods spaketh thusly:

And lo, you shall have need to renew your Driver’s License, your Automobile Registration, and your Vehicle Emissions Inspections in the state of Maryland.  Verily, we command that all three tasks we have set before you shall be disposed of with thoroughness and virtue during the year two-thousand and thirteen, and by no later than the date of your birth into this world.

And so my journey began, to please the Gods who reign on high in the Halls of the Motor Vehicle Administration.

My first task to extend divine will was the renewal of Automobile Registration.  To this end, I made supplication via the Holy Website.  For my humility and grace, the postal servant of the Gods did deliver one shiny red sticker to place upon my rear license plate, so that all who come before, er, behind me shall know that I am righteous in the eyes of the Maryland MVA.

Cost of Sacrifice: $136.00

My second task was the renewal of Driver’s license.  And therewith, my journey witnessed new challenges set upon me.  Whence arriving at the Halls of the Motor Vehicle Administration in the strip mall  next to the Target and across the boulevard from Frederick Douglass High School, I discovered to my great dismay and anguish that the Halls had closed and removed themselves to a new location many days minutes journey further yet on.

Discouraged and humbled, I retreated to my home, my task as yet unaccomplished.

After days spent replenishing my soul with fasting, prayer, and Netflix, I ventured forth once more, aspiring to reach a satellite location.  I was confident, as I had on previous occasion given alms at the satellite location.  But that was in years past, and now my vanity was punished with intransigence from the MVA website, which refused to offer up the location of said satellites, despite my many pleas.  I petitioned one God after the next until, at long last, my prayer was finally answered.  For yea, was there a satellite office at the edge of the Beltway, near the land of Parkville, amid the realm of Loch Raven, in the crook of Burridge Road.

I repaired to my abode to feast in celebration of this good news, and made many fine offerings of beer, chips, and homemade salsa to the MVA.  I then brought myself to the satellite location.  And it was here that the oracle decreed my vision to be an abomination before all that is righteous.  As penance I was proscribed sacred lenses with which to better perceive the Gods and the road.

Cost of Sacrifice and Drugstore Glasses: $56.48

My final test was proving my worthiness to the Gods through Automobile Emissions.  But having already pleased the Host of MVA with Registration and License Renewal, I was overcome with modesty.  I turned my tear-stained face away from the Gods, unworthy of their kindness.  For my heart was full of dark sin and my exhaust full of dark smoke, and I knew the Oracle of Owings Mills would not receive me so long as the unholy Check Engine light blared like a radiant succubus in the night.

So I made pilgrimage to the Auto Mechanic, he of the golden hair and fair wit, and beseeched him thusly:

Mike!  Mike!  Take pity on a poor wretch who seeks only to fulfill the will of the Gods!  Let the Check Engine light be at last put to rest.

And in my presence, Mike did decree:

You have come before me in your time of need and I have heard your pleas.  Let it be known that you have aggrieved the Gods with a faulty Knock Sensor, and they do know this through your Check Engine light, which will not abate until this wicked sensor has been purged and reborn anew.

And yea, I said unto him, replace that wicked sensor, and also the cracked tail light casing that little hellions of the hood hath wrought violence upon, let it please the Gods.  But do take mercy upon and let pass the rusted hood, turning so rich a hue of orange that fellow parishoners have proclaimed it The Cheese Grater.

O, Knock Sensor, get thee behind me!

Mike did well to bring these things to pass, replacing the wicked knock sensor and the martyred tail light casing, but honoring the godly Cheese Grater.  And so I ventured forth once final time, taking myself to the Emissions Testing Center away in Owings Mills, upon the Cornridge Road, off the Crondall Lane, in the same fair demesne where Autoweek doth film its goodly work for the Public Broadcast System.

Cost of Sacrifice, Knock Sensor, and Tail Light Casing: $358.17

And now that my travails are complete and my work is done, I am worthy and just in the eyes of the Gods.  Let their will be manifest and their needs be sated until they call upon me once more, or lest I move myself and my 1998 Accord to another state therewith.

Amen.